Real Vampires Know Hips Happen by Gerry Bartlett

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Terrance McArthur

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Details on how to win a copy of this book at the end of this post.

In the Beginning, Gerry Bartlett begat Real Vampires Have Curves, and then she kept on begetting until, in the ninth volume, she begat Real Vampires Know Hips Happen.

Glory St. Clair, full-figured vampire, wants her man back. Jeremiah Campbell, aka Jeremy/Jerry Blade, left her because she had been unfaithful with the bodyguard he hired to keep her faithful. She follows him to his family castle in Scotland, where he is savagely attacked, losing his…memory. He’s back in the past, when the castle wasn’t a tourist attraction, when he rode horses instead of driving sports cars, and when he killed every MacDonald he could lay his sword on, but he doesn’t remember turning Glory into a vampire or the more than 400 years they have been in love, so the search is on to find a cure for his amnesia, back in Texas…if she can get the vampire onto an airplane.

Glory recently learned that she used to be a mythical Siren, and now she meets her Olympian mother, who suddenly wants to bond with her daughter…after centuries of neglect. Mom magically causes designer clothes to appear on Glory, and conducts a Greek god version of speed-dating to set her up for a more-acceptable-to-Momma partner.

Image source: Berkley Trade

There isn’t a lot of crime to solve in this series installment. The two big mystery questions revolve around true identities:

Which Greek goddess is Glory’s Mom?

and

Why did Jeremiah Campbell change his name to Jeremy Blade?

Nevertheless, the book is a fun read. The characters are quirky. Glory’s new roommate is a former Siren who is bloating on junk food. Jerry’s daughter is picking up some nasty habits and needs to redirect her energies into more positive outlets. A recently-vampirized rock star wants Glory as much as she once wanted him. The ex-bodyguard is a shifter who runs a popular club that keeps blood substitute (and the real stuff) behind the counter. The mad-vampire-doctor trying to cure Jerry is a MacDonald; not only do they hate each other, they have spilled the blood of each other’s families.

The problems are believable (if you believe in vampires and Greek gods and other paranormal beings). Many parts had me laughing, and some parts had me blushing. In this version of vampire lore, sex is just as enthusiastically pursued as blood, although the athletics have to end before the death sleep of sunrise.

Real Vampires Know Hips Happen will keep you turning pages…if only to see what the goddess (and Glory) will wear next.

To enter to win a copy of Real Vampires Know Hips Happen, simply email KRL at life@kingsriverlife[dot]com by replacing the [dot] with a period, and with the subject line “Hips”, or comment on this article. A winner will be chosen April 27, 2013. U.S. residents only.

Purchase this book with this link and you help support an Indie bookstore & KRL:

Real Vampires Know Hips Happen

Terrance V. Mc Arthur is a California-born, Valley-raised librarian/entertainer/writer. He lives in Sanger, four blocks from the library, with his wife, his daughter, and a spinster cat.